https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/copycat/

Copycat copy that.

My brain copied that.

My brain has died. My brain just left.

I’m not here. I have gone.

I have left the present, left reality and went someplace else.

Where have I gone? I do not know. Not yet. I do not know.

No one knows where I am. Not even me. Not yet. I am leaving.

I am almost there. Oh there I am.

I am eight. I am a little girl and I’m not safe.

It is a scary place where they sometimes hurt me and I do not like it. I cannot stay here in my present so I have to leave. I am gone now to nowhere to nothing. I am nothing.

This is disassociation. That is what this is. No one can hurt me here when I am nowhere. I am safe now. This is my safe place.

I am a wounded little bird and my brain is a copycat.

It remembers the pain and it copies that.

I go back to when I was a little girl. My brain goes back and I regress.

There I am. My memories seem so real. So very realistic and so fresh.

My little girl memories flash flash flash

and my brain seems to crash crash crash.

What I mean by that is that my brain is a copycat

My brain is not here

there is too much fear

so I go inside the safe place inside my head

protecting myself, leaving like I am dead.

The reminder of my pain is so fast and strong. With no warning it comes on.

My brain gives me no choice. I have to leave not knowing how long I will be gone.

Why do I copy those memory flashes? I have a flash that reminds me of painful things from my past and I copy that. My brain is a copycat.

It remembers the pain and it copies that.

I wish that copycat would go away. I wish the copycat would not copy that. Stop copying the painful memories from my past that I have lived. I am not there now so don’t go there. Stop going there. Stay away.

I am here now where it is safe. I am in a happy place. This is where I am. I am here now and I like it here.

I am well now. So, leave me alone. Do not go there. You do not need to copy that.

I’m a big unwounded bird and my brain is not a copycat.

Copy that copycat.

My brain does not need to copy that.

=========================================================================

I just wanted all of you to know that I have disassociated in the past and everything I wrote is true but has not happened for a very long time. Please do not feel bad for me regarding the words of my post. I wrote this because the word for the day was “copycat” and when I thought of that word for some reason “copycat copy that” just kept popping up in my head over and over and I started writing from there.

Then I began to think about the how memory is the mental capacity of retaining and recalling previous experiences. So, in a way the brain is like a copycat because it recalls or copies our past experiences. Then, of course, I went even a little deeper yet to the idea that during a traumatic event or even when a traumatic event is remembered disassociation can happen and used as a defense mechanism causing our brains to “numb out” or “leave” the situation to survive, sustain, or control the experience.

Plus, I want my blog to be an educational tool to increase awareness and  educate about Bipolar Disorder and other mental illness as much as I can. I was also able to define, describe and discuss disassociation and how it related to my life experiences and struggles a little bit. I was also able to share my story about my past, present and future to educate and help other people relate who may have experienced the same types of situations and struggles.


Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – All written content and personal artwork is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content.