The War of Insanity (Daily Word Prompt is Pillage)

It was during the war of insanity inside her bipolar brain that the bad men pretending to be her friends will pillage her hard earned money and goods and life and body. The problem was that during her insanity she had no recognition that she was insane and that these evil people pretending to be her friends were not her real friends at all. They were pretending to be her friends to steal things from her that they knew she had. It is almost as if evil can see and smell the innocence of the insane mind.

This person with the insane mind was me.

What is a severe bipolar manic episode?

  1. During mania, people can take a lot of risks that they normally wouldn’t and that can take a big toll on their lives for a long time.
  2. The intense feelings of bipolar disorder often lead people with bipolar to seek relief by any means necessary. Some people struggle to cope and end up harming themselves to feel some relief.
  3. In mania there seems to be an increased activity of certain parts of the brain. In particular, one part of the brain that has been mostly shown to increase is the amygdala, which is part of the brain that when stimulated often leads to aggression, increased sexual activity and those kinds of behaviors.
  4. All advanced brain functions involve changes in the ability for synapses to convey information in different brain circuits.
  5. For Bipolar Disorder the problem resides in the intracellular machinery of signal transmissions, machinery that is engaged in both information processing but also helping nerve cells to survive and grow is not functioning properly at the time.
  6. MRI scans on patients with Bipolar Disorder show shrinkage of neurons in specific brain areas. It is very important to emphasize that this is not a permanent shrinking and that the neurons are not dead. There appears to be shrinking with the neurons at the time because they are sick.

When Bipolar Disorder reaches mania, the kind of mania that I call my BAD mania, caused me to reach a point of destruction and insanity inside my bipolar brain. I seemed to be missing the part of my brain that signals that danger is lurking all around me. It was gone and disappeared somehow vanishing into thin air. I desperately needed this part of my brain to save me, protect me and tell me that these people and situations were dangerous and that I needed to stay away from them. However, my bipolar brain was not working correctly and part of it seemed to be missing.

My Psychiatrist told me I was insane during this time in my life, because everything I was doing and the choices I was making were not what I would normally ever do. During the time I had reached my true insanity there was no part inside my brain to tell me that those men were bad and dangerous men. The choices I made were completely not made by the normal me.

Everything that made me be who I was had disappeared. They were gone. Where were they? Where was I? Where had I gone? How and when will I come back before it is too late in the scary dangerous world I now live in.

The real me needed to come back quickly and protect this person I had become inside my insane bipolar brain. The real me was gone. This foreigner living inside my insane Bipolar brain was the only me that existed. I really did not know her at all. I was not there. People who knew me missed me as I had moved away from everyone and the life I once knew.

I had heard that for some people the path leading to insanity is horrific but for me one day I unknowingly just reached insanity. The horrific painful long journey of returning from my brink of insanity was the long painful horrific part of my life. I had to learn how to forgive myself for the journey I went down.

I loved my children more than anything in the entire world and I lived for them. Everything I normally did was for them. However, during my insanity, bad bipolar episode I left my two oldest children with their father and brought my youngest daughter with me during this path of intense dangerous destruction of my new life. I had left and thrown away my old life and everything good about that life and who I was. I had destroyed everything I once was and had for some unknown reason.

The hardest most difficult part for me was to forgive myself for the many mistakes I made. My psychiatrist said I was insane and it was not me. That helps to a point, but I know somehow deep inside somehow it was still me…. maybe. However, my brain was gone and had left the real me, but still how could I forgive myself and get my old life back?

I had to accept that I could not get my old life back the way it was when I left it. That would never be the same and I had to accept it and kind of make a new identity for myself.

You must understand that how I reached insanity in the first place was making the biggest mistake a person with Bipolar Disorder could make and that was going off ALL of my medications. I stopped taking all of my medication and pretended that I did not have Bipolar Disorder because I did not want to have it. I was in denial. So after quitting all of the medications I was on I slowly reached my bad mania and my insanity inside my bipolar brain.

The first step in recovery with any mental illness and especially Bipolar Disorder is to accept that you have it. When I finally accepted that I had Bipolar Disorder and that it was okay, then I slowly learned to give myself a new type of identity. I slowly learned to love myself and live with Bipolar Disorder taking my medications and fighting to live and survive and be a Bipolar Disorder Survivor. I also learned to slowly forgive myself for my many past mistakes. I had to forgive myself or I would have killed myself.

It wasn’t until I found God and became born again that I learned to forgive myself and truly became forgiven. God forgave me of my past sins and mistakes. I finally learned to put the past behind me and live and enjoy one minute at a time because really that is all we really know and have.

I have today and everyday now to love life and to make things better for myself and my children. I live for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who rescued me and saved me. I must serve the Lord everyday of my life and appreciate everyday of my life loving and helping others especially loving my three most beautiful children that God has blessed me with. Praise God for He is good all the time!!!

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The horrific details of my near destruction of my life will be in my memoir I am writing and maybe in later small bits and pieces in future posts. I survived a lot, so my story is an awesome story of survival. It is a story of how God save my life and a story of hope, faith and perseverance.

Keep looking for more posts and my memoir when I will finally finish it. I have so much to tell and share with others to help them know they are not alone during their journey and to educate, encourage and help others to live, survive, and thrive with or without Bipolar Disorder.

“There is a fine line between genius and insanity . I have erased this line. It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.”

“The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.”  Bruce Feirstein

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/pillage/

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