People like me with bipolar disorder
shine brighter than other people.
Our light does not glimmer just a little bit
it radiates out brighter and beyond what is needed.
Our light brightens up the world,
but sometimes too much like mania or hypomania and
when the world wants us to dim our internal and external lighting
many times we cannot turn off the switch to our lights or dim our flames.
As hard as we try to blow out our candle or extinguish our huge flaming bonfire
sometimes we can never stop lighting up the world.
We can accomplish many great things by lighting up the world sometimes,
but other times our flames burn people hurting them and situations of our lives in many negative, bad and unwanted ways leaving permanent and lasting scars from our mistakes.
These burns of our mistakes can cause people to leave us and never come back.
I begin to isolate myself afraid I will unintentionally hurt others and they will hurt me.
I have found that it is much safer to be alone so no one can ever hurt me again like they have so many times throughout my lifetime.
Other times instead of shining brighter than other people our light has flickered away and burnt out and died with an inability to light up anything at all.
There is no way to ignite a spark or flame causing me to have to live in the dark and be blinded by darkness.
I cannot see any light or sun as I sink deeper and further down into a dark black bottomless pit and grave of despair, sorrow and hopes and dreams of my own death.
During mixed episodes and during dark scary moods of depression suicidal ideations flood and fill my mind.
Also, the worst part of bipolar disorder is the morbid deadly part of my existence during severe suicidal depressions that I have survived many times throughout my life.
It is a very scary thought that my brain could turn on me and try to kill me again, but it is a very true and honest part of my bipolar disorder and reality of my life.
Suicide can be a possible truth and reality for many people with bipolar disorder.
My brain is trying to kill me but God says, “NO!”
God will determine when it is time for me to leave this earth and it is not time now and it will not ever be through my own choice or suicide or with my own hands. God will determine when it is time for me to leave this earth and reach heaven for all eternity.
Thank you God for always being with me and saving my life each time I reach a suicidal depression and when I have made true attempts to take my own life because of my bipolar disorder.
My time on earth is not over and I will continue to fight this illness. I WILL SURVIVE.
There is so much I need to do in my life. I have so much more joy to share and experience, so much more love to know and embrace and feel, and so much more beauty to make, create, feel, see and experience.
There are so many important things in my life that I need to do and so much more I have not finished and accomplished yet. I have a lot of great things to do.
I must let Jesus’ love shine out of me brightly to everyone I meet.
Plus, of course, I could never leave my three greatest blessings, my three beautiful amazing children that God has graciously blessed me with.
I always sang the song “You are my sunshine,” to each of my children when they were infants, babies, toddlers and even when they were a bit older.
So here is the song and video of “You are my Sunshine.” I smiled the entire time I viewed and listened to this video as it reminded me of my three children when they were little and how much I love them.
This song has also taken on a new meaning to me since I have Bipolar Disorder. I never want my sunshine or my light to go away as I do not want to be in the darkness of depression.
I always want to shine like a beautiful ray of sunshine.