When I was very ill with my Bipolar and still hadn’t quite accepted the fact that I truly had bipolar disorder, one of my Psychiatrists told me I would never be normal again, but we can get you to maintain a semi-normal functional type of life. But, my life will never be the same as it was before.
However, at that time in my life and being fairy newly diagnosed that was completely the wrong thing to say to me, a very strong stubborn woman who once had everything I wanted and worked for. I thought to myself that I would show that man he was wrong. I would definitely prove him wrong.
So, I went off all of my medications cold turkey. This of course is the wrong thing to do. Never go off of your medications. I know that now, but I did not know that at that time in my life. I wanted to prove that man wrong. I was “normal” and I did not have bipolar disorder. I did not need medications or anyone’s help.
After about 2-3 years of not taking any bipolar medications and not receiving any professional help at all, I eventually reached a severe full-blown mania. During my full-blown mania I made very bad and dangerous decisions and choices that sometimes even put my life in danger. I did things I would normally never do.
I did horrific things and lived through horrific experiences that still haunt me and fill my heart with regret, guilt and sorrow. I try not to let my mind travel back to those days. I cannot let my mind stay there as it is not healthy for me at all and could lead me to spiral downward to a severe depression. I must always remind myself that it was the past and it is over now.
The worst of my full-blown mania lasted about two years. Later, when I was eventually receiving medical help again, my main and amazing Psychiatrist who saved my life many times told me I was actually insane during that time. This was not the same Psychiatrist who told me I would never be “normal” again.
I was actually very ill with my bipolar for over 15 years even before and beyond my full-blown mania episode. Time eluded me, left me, disappeared and was gone. It was as if I was in a coma or stuck in my own prison cell inside my own mind and body serving a 15 year prison sentence and could not leave or get out.
I lost so much time of my real life. Now that I found medications that help me and I am doing well overall, I want the time I lost back. I want the people and things in my life that were so good to come back. I threw everything that was good in my life away. My children have gone past those ages and stages of their lives I can never have back again. I lost those moments and good quality time with them. That time is gone forever.
I was dead during that time. They were alive and living but I was dead. I am back and living now, but they are gone in a sense as that time and their ages at that time are gone and I can never have it back.
Time moved on without me fully in it. It did not wait for me to get healed, get better and feel alive again. I was robbed of that time of my life. It went away.
I am so blessed with my three amazing children, but I wish I could do it over again and be a better person, alive and living and be the perfect mom I was going to be.
I am ready to live a good, long and happy life now making new and happy memories.
I know I have to forgive myself and overlook my mistakes and regrets of the past. I need to love the person I am now.
I need to throw away all of my regrets of the past and realize it was part of my severe bipolar disorder 1 and it is truly the past. I am doing well now. God saved my life. Praise God.
No more regrets and there is “no day but today.” I am going to make today the best I can and be the best me I can be everyday from this moment on…
Please listen to this beautiful song “No Day But Today” from the Broadway musical “Rent” sung by Idina Menzel. The lyrics are very meaningful and appropriate for my post and life. The song and Idina’s singing is absolutely beautiful.