“We may not have it all together, but together we have it all”
I know we need each other and it is very healthy to be around other people.
However, for some reason I have been isolating a lot lately. I seem to feel safe and happy being alone.
I have my three beautiful children that I see and am with them as often as possible and I feel like that is all I need right now.
My children love me unconditionally and they will never hurt me. They are kind, wonderful, amazing and beautiful children and people.
Isolating and being alone is very safe for me. I will not hurt myself, at least not anymore as I do not engage in self-injurious behavior of any kind anymore. I am intrinsically kind to myself and I am with very good company when I am all alone all by myself.
No one will hurt me. I am safe when I am alone.
I am afraid to get hurt as I have been hurt too many times throughout my lifetime.
There is a large road block of ice, incapable of melting, stuck in my head causing me to be frozen in my tracks and unable to reach out to others. I am frozen.
I have too much fear of being hurt again by others. I feel it is much safer being alone and then no one can hurt me or impact my bipolar symptoms in a negative way.
When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 20 years ago, I lost all of my friends I had at the time. They all left me, vanished and never wanted to be my friends again. I guess they were not true friends after all.
I have tried to make new friends on occasion since then, but only to get hurt again. So, I gave up trying to make new friends. I need to protect myself.
I also have PTSD and my PTSD can trigger my bipolar symptoms. Some of my PTSD comes from emotional trauma and abuse I suffered as a child, so I am afraid of getting hurt again in any way and having anything trigger my bipolar disorder symptoms.
I am afraid to reach out to others as I am too afraid of being hurt again.
It sounds strange, but when I do have to get out of my house to go watch my daughter’s High School activities, go to church or go to my part-time home health care job or for a few other reasons, I am a very social, personable, fun-loving, caring and kind person to be around. I talk easily to many people and most likely talk too much in fact. That is most likely due to being hypomanic most of the time.
So, when I am out and about in the community, people would never suspect that I am actually usually a loner with no friends and that I spend most of my time being alone. Therefore, my outer appearance and social behavior is not what it appears to be. I am an illusion masking who I really am, a costume at a masquerade party hiding behind the social demeanor that comes very easily for me. Sometimes things and people are not what they appear to be.
Going to those type of events and being social at those type of activities is just talking and relating to people at a surface level. I do not have to get close to anyone and take the chance of getting emotionally hurt by anyone, so it is still very safe and easy for me. Socializing comes very naturally to me. In fact, I love to be around other people and socializing once I am out of my house. It is just taking the first step of getting ready and leaving my house that is the is the hardest part for me. It doesn’t seem safe, until I get there. That is why I only leave my house when I have to.
No one knows the real me, as I do not let them. I do not let them know what is going on inside of me and I also think no one wants to know me. So I stay away from knowing people at a deeper level and then I stay safe and sound.
I am very happy right now though and have many things I love to do. Right now I have been spending a lot of my time blogging and trying to learn how to get better at blogging and learn everything I can about it. I need to research much more to learn more about the blogging world.
A few years ago I started writing my memoir and I need to work on that again. Even though I haven’t been doing it lately I also love to draw and paint and do anything creative.
I like spending time with myself
and always love being with my children
and always love spending time and being with the Lord forever and always.
I am never truly alone as I am always with my Father, my God. He is always with me, by my side, holding my hand, loving me and protecting me every minute of the day and night.
I am really never isolating or alone as God is always with me.
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
For many are called, but few are chosen.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.