Bipolar Disorder is an abstract type of disease of my brain.
You cannot put a cast around my broken brain like you can with a broken leg, so you cannot see that my bipolar brain is broken.
My brokenness is invisible as I struggle to survive during my severe episodes and recover without anyone seeing or knowing.
I usually hide behind my smile and make-up disguising my pain and anxiety.
You cannot see my bipolar or imagine how severe the pain of my broken bipolar brain feels as it spreads throughout every inch of my entire body. It immobilizes my body and brain with such intensity I feel as if I am dead and as if I do not exist. I want to die.
When I try to explain my severe suicidal depressions, my detailed descriptions of what they feel like seem abstract and unreal to those not struggling with bipolar, but they are very real to me in my bipolar brain.
You cannot understand how I have constant suicidal ideations in my mind when the life surrounding me is full of beauty, but my thoughts inside my mind are real. I do not try to think these thoughts, they just randomly and unwillingly flood my mind.
The fact that suicidal thoughts can give me hope is an abstract thought to someone that does not have bipolar disorder. It was abstract and unbelievable to my mind as well before I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder 23 years ago. I never thought of suicide before my diagnosis and now my mind is sometimes overcome by the constant thought that suicide is the only cure for my severe bipolar pain.
I try often and I have learned to love and appreciate my bipolar diagnosis as it can be a gift and a blessing to me at times.
We must always remember to search and find the beauty in everything and everyone, especially in ourselves.
My bipolar mind is abstract and full of creative thoughts and ideas that flood my mind. I am very blessed to share my creative mind and talent. I can draw and paint and absolutely love to do anything that involves creativity. That is the way my brain has always been. I love to create.
Sometimes my excess energy is a blessing in disguise as it turns into the appearance of enthusiasm and a zest of life and love that can shine out as kindness and love to everyone I meet.
I always try to be kind and help others in anyway I can, touching their hearts in special ways, as this is a gift that helps me and makes me feel very happy.
I feel that my bipolar causes me to feel more, to feel and love so much more than others and that can be absolutely fabulous and euphoric, at times. That is a wonderful gift and blessing.
Sometimes I can feel just the right amount of emotions so that I can love this life and this great big entire world and everything in it and light up the world with my joy and love.
However, my zest for life and my love and kindness can turn the opposite direction in a heartbeat. That is when I do not like my bipolar brain and when my struggles and life become very difficult.
My pain, suffering and struggles of my bipolar disorder are abstract thoughts and ideas for someone that does not have bipolar disorder. They cannot imagine or comprehend something they cannot see or have never felt or experienced.
My pain and bipolar disorder are invisible to the world.