When I woke up this morning, I pulled my blankets off and swung my legs around and off over the edge of the bed. As I lifted my covers off of myself, I saw my legs which are always an unfortunate and painful reminder of how I once lived.
On my left upper thigh I saw at least ten opaque straight horizontal self-inflicted scars all lined up vertically going up my thigh in a strategically placed location, so hopefully no one would be able to see them.
These scars are just some of the many permanent cutting tattoos I have covering my body from my years of self-injurious cutting behavior I engaged in to try to reduce and distract me from my severe and painful internal and mental pain from my bipolar 1 disorder, PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder.
I have been ashamed of my scars for years and am still ashamed of them, but to a lesser degree. My shame of my cutting behavior has reduced gradually over the years and hearing a song like the following song helped me greatly.
This song spoke to me loudly as if Jesus was talking to me lovingly letting me know everything was okay. I was okay.
This song is titled “Beautiful Scars” by Amy Shreve and the song may have different meanings for her and for other people, but this song spoke to me and inspired me greatly mostly about my cutting behavior and made me feel better about the many scars I wear in many places on my body.
I instantly felt less ashamed of my scars and myself. I can proudly wear my scars now. They are a beautiful part of who I am.
I believe these words are for anyone that has bipolar disorder or any mental illness,
anyone that has been hurt or abused in any way during their lives,
is living with chronic pain or a chronic illness or an invisible illness of any kind,
or someone who is surviving the loss of a loved one,
or for anyone that has suffered or struggled during their lives.
Scars, wounds and blood shed can be visible and invisible.
This music and these words are for you, for everyone.
Listen to these beautiful words, and let them speak to you and through you by God…
Lyrics to “Beautiful Scars”
I’ve heard your story, I think you are brave, and I can’t imagine half of your pain.
Your eyes bear the mark of a child of God. Whether near or far, you’re here in my heart. Whether near or far, you’re here in my heart,
and I cry when you’ve been wounded, and I die when your blood is shed.
I am a part of you, and I can see Jesus through the beautiful scars you wear,
so don’t think it is hopeless or yield in despair, ’cause I want to help you and God hears our prayers. The morning will come when there’ll be no more harm. ‘Til then, I hold you here in my heart, ‘Til then I hold you here in my heart,
and I cry when you have been wounded and I die when your blood is shed,
I am apart of you, and I can see Jesus through the beautiful scars you wear,
I cry when you have been wounded and I die when your blood is shed.
I am a part of you, and I can see Jesus through the beautiful scars you wear.
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