Bipolar Disorder is Either Black or White (Daily Word Prompt is Gray)

There are no gray areas.

It is either black or white.

You are either right or wrong.

You are either dead or alive.

With my bipolar disorder I have felt dead many times, but I have never been dead. I was alive, but felt like I had no emotions causing me to feel like I was dead and I wanted to be dead. I may have been one step away from being dead many times as severe deep dark dangerous thoughts of suicide overcame my mind. I was only one step away from swallowing a large handful of medications many times that would have caused a life ending overdose. Then I would have been dead.

However, I survived my many strong desires, suicidal ideations and numerous suicidal attempts throughout my many years of battling and living with bipolar disorder, PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder. I am happy to be alive.

There are no gray areas in living.

It is either black or white.

You cannot have bipolar disorder a little bit. You either have bipolar disorder or you don’t.

It is either black or white.

Bipolar disorder is called bipolar because there are two mood poles, like white is mania and black is depression.

There is no tri-polar disorder or middle pole. A person with bipolar shifts between the two mood poles of mania and depression. There is no gray in bipolar, only black or white.

You cannot be a little bit manic or hypomanic. You are either manic or not.

There are no gray areas.

It is either black or white.

Mania is not just feeling happy. Mania is different.

Happy is how you feel after you just got married to the love of your life or after you got a brand new kitty.

Mania is beyond feeling happy, way above that emotion. You feel like you could burst out of yourself hardly able to contain and control this euphoria and excitement inside you. Your insides could explode, burst, pop wide open into a million little pieces like a helium balloon after you have flown up into the sky past the rainbow of your life. You can hardly sit still and stop moving as this extreme mania and euphoria creates fear unsure when you could explode.

Most of the time I am hypomanic, which is a less severe form of mania.

When I am hypomanic or manic…

  1. I always talk too much and too fast. I have been trying to control this as much as I can and become a better listener.
  2. I usually have racing and rapid thoughts flying throughout my brain.
  3. I can be very impulsive and fly from one thought, idea or activity to the next.
  4. I have excess energy.
  5. Sometimes I can become obsessed with what I am doing and working on.
  6. More severe mania causes reckless activities like spending too much money, promiscuity and dangerous activities and meeting dangerous people. I have engaged in all of those behaviors before. The mechanism inside my brain seems to shut off during my severe mania episodes.
  7. Often I have a decreased need for sleep, but I take two Clonazepam at night, which helps me relax so I can sleep. I still always require less sleep than most people.
  8. One thing I truly hate is when I become extremely irritable where I just hate everything and everyone. I try to contain this keeping those thoughts inside myself, but sometimes it is too hard and after trying to hold in my irritability monster beast inside me for a long time it breaks loose and spews out of me causing the ugliness of bipolar to come out from within me. I am very ashamed of myself for acting the way I did and/or saying what I just did. Then comes the cycle of the feelings of shame, regret, remorse and hating in myself.

Depression is not the same as feeling sad. It is way beyond feeling sad. Feeling sad is when your puppy dies or you break up with a boyfriend. You feel sad about those things, but it is not clinical depression. It is not the same. Also, depression can happen for no reason at all. You could be at Disney World and still be depressed. Being at Disney World will not help make clinical depression go away.

You cannot be a little depressed. You are either depressed or not.

There are no gray areas.

It is either black or white.

When I am depressed…

  1. I have no emotions, but am void of all feelings and emotions.
  2. I feel worthless and that my life is not worth living. I hate myself and feel like everyone else hates me too. I hate everything about my life.
  3. I have no energy or the ability to move. I cannot get out of my bed and the thought of taking a shower is too difficult as it has too many steps involved to finish the huge task.
  4. I cannot think or concentrate on what others are saying or doing or the things I am seeing.
  5. I cannot make decisions.
  6. I am completely lonely and isolate myself. I have no friends or support of any kind.
  7. I feel guilt and have deep remorse for my past mistakes and my life.
  8. My brain is filled and overcome with suicidal ideations every second of my days and nights thinking of when and how I will kill myself. Thoughts of death overcome me giving me a feeling of hope as it is the only way to escape from the deep dark horror of pain I feel and am living in.

Bipolar disorder is a very serious illness and you either have bipolar disorder or you don’t.

You cannot be a little bipolar. You either have bipolar or you don’t.

There are no gray areas.

It is either black or white.

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