Walking on a Bipolar Tight Rope of Life (Daily Word Prompt is Knackered)

My mind is flying this morning as if it was in a three-ring circus. For the last few days, the circus inside my mind continues to grow in size and action while I gradually sleep less each night.

Throughout my entire life I never required much sleep and never realized until after my diagnosis that it was not a healthy behavior.

Last night again, I stayed up very late happilly and energetically typing, wtiting on my blog, researching, developing and creating a variety of different ideas and things on my new computer and trying to learn the many new capabilities for my new computer.

I have not even mentioned that I am writing my memoir. I also have a part-time job I must go to and I need to be a good mom to my sixteen year old daughter. Plus, I have two adult children that live nearby me that I still love to do things for as much as they will allow me, need me and want me too.

I love my new computer, but have decided it may be a vary dangerous toy and tool for me as my bipolar brain usually lives in the hypomanic mood pole.

Last night I stayed up until at least 2:30 a.m. and I had to wake up at 6:30 a.m., After taking two of my Clonazepam which usually helps to relax me and slow down my hypomanic brain, I finally went to bed laying there with my brain racing rapidly from one thought to the next.

Last night it was like my mind was walking on a high tight rope between two beautiful high mountain tops. As I walked across my dangerous tight rope holding a pole to balance my walk, my mind was full of happy rapid racing thoughts as I enjoyed the views of the beautiful scenery inside my mind.

Unfortunately, my high-flying brain is unable to slow down my high happy thoughts feeling as though my bipolar hypomanic balloon brain will burst wide open at any time.

The speed of my brain was beginning to scare me a little as I know the dangers my extremely rapid racing thoughts mixed with the lack of sleep can cause me.

I attempt to slow my high walking and flying rapid bursting thoughts down and relax knowing how very important and necessary it is for me to get some sleep, as I have not slept much in the last few days.

While I was laying in my bed wide awake with my very rapid thoughts bursting and flying all over inside my mind, I am reminded of when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder and did not realize at that time how dangerous it was for me not to sleep.

At the time of my initial diagnosis, I would stay up all night writing and illustrating my children’s books, working on teaching material as I was still a special education teacher, taking care of my two very young children and teaching special education in the morning.  I did not get any sleep and continued not sleeping for many days in a row not feeling like I was tired at all and feeling like I did not to sleep, plus I couldn’t sleep and never felt tired anyway. That was part of my mania mood pole.

Back when I was first diagnosed, I walked on an even higher tight rope between two higher mountain tops. My hypomanic pole kept me balanced and kept me from not falling off my tight rope of life.

Unfortunately, my life balancing pole eventually did fall out of my hands causing me to fall off my tight rope until I reached a full-fledged mania causing me to be hospitalized many times for a few years at that time.

Last night, while I walked on my high tight rope inside my brain holding on very tightly to my hypomanic mood pole trying to keep my poles balanced, I knew I must keep tight control and balance of my bipolar mood poles of my life. I finally crossed safely to other side of my high mountain top last night and managed to get a little sleep.

After over twenty years of living with bipolar, I know to stay healthy I must get plenty of sleep.

I work tonight for about eight hours and I think I will be knackered after work and will be able to finally sleep.

I will close down my circus inside my bipolar brain tonight, relax, rest and get as much sleep as I possibly can and stay healthy.

Sleep is a very beneficial, necessary, important and required medication and behavior for bipolar disorder.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/knackered/

Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – ALL WRITTEN CONTENT AND PERSONAL ARTWORK (ie. drawings, illustrations and paintings) is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content.

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