“Heaven Don’t Want Me” – song and contemporary dance video included

Don’t polish my casket because heaven don’t want me…

and I don’t want heaven… not yet.

Not until God says He wants me in heaven,

and right now…

heaven don’t want me,

and heaven don’t want you,

and heaven don’t want US!!!!

We are here,

here to live.

We are here,

here to stay.

You must begin

and you will win.

You have to be a beginner

to become a huge winner,

and you are a strong survivor,

a mental illness survivor.

This next video is my oldest daughter Kylie dancing at dance competition when she was still in High School about seven years ago.

Kylie chose this song and choreographed this dance herself…

and she dedicated this dance for me…. her mom… her bipolar mom.

I had been in a very bad deep dark dangerous suicidal depression and had been in and out of the psychiatric hospital at the time.

My daughter was telling me and reminding me that…

Heaven don’t want me, not yet until God is ready for me. He decides that, I don’t.

Plus, I think this was her way to tell me and show me how much she loves me and also it shows how scared she was and how diffciult my illness must have been for her.

The words “heaven don’t want me” spoke to me very loudly at that time in my  life telling me, reminding that I needed to stay alive. I must stay alive.

Heaven is not ready for me yet. HEAVEN DON”T WANT ME.

I felt these words related a lot to bipolar disorder, mental illness and suicide and ME.

Music “Hiding Under Water” ~by Beth Hart

performed and choreographed by

my daughter Kylie


“Hiding Under Water” Lyrics 

by Beth Hart

Heaven don’t want me
Heaven don’t fool me
No one will understand
And it’s all right
I’m feeling these changes
Everybody is strangers
No one will give a damn
And I guess that’s life

You say you got a feeling
You figured out the writing on the wall
And angels on the ceiling
Don’t come to you when you call
So you found your own religion
And searched your heart for something more
Still naked in the kitchen
Trying to wipe yourself off of the floor

No I won’t take you for granted
These broken arms can hold you
No I won’t take you for granted

You say it don’t matter
You’re living loud and living long
And hear the phony laughter
Echoing on and on
I’m hiding under water
I pray to God wash me away
Can’t hear the child’s wonder
My innocence got hushed along the way

No I won’t take you for granted
These broken arms can hold you
No I won’t take you for granted
No I want leave you abandoned
This broken heart can love you still
No I won’t take you for granted

And you don’t say a word
Inside I know
And you don’t say that it hurts
Tonight killed slowly
All the love in the world
Won’t let you let go
Let you let go now

Hold on your soul will rise again
I know that it will
Hold on your soul will rise again
I know that it will
Hold on your soul will rise again
I know that it will

Maybe heaven will want me
Maybe heaven won’t fool me
Maybe someone will give a damn
And I’ll have a life
You say you got a feeling

Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – All written content and personal artwork is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content. Dance and all choreography Copyright © By Kylie Williams (With the exclusion of music and video “Hiding Under Water” by Beth Hart).