Running a sprint or marathon is comparable to what happens inside my bipolar brain and my two extreme mood poles of mania and depression and this is why…
When a runner runs a 100 yard dash, they sprint as fast they can to the end of their race, hoping to break through that red tape at the finish line signalling to themselves and everyone else that they were the fastest and won the race. After the sprinters cross the finish line, many collapse to the ground in a heap from the thrill of victory, exhaustion or both.
The runners run at their fastest and top speed for 30 seconds or more until the depletion stores in their muscles, bodies and mind are gone. They have nothing left. They crash for a period and need to rest until their bodies can be restored to their normal states they had at the beginning of their race.
The Boston Marathon is a 26.2 mile endurance test. Our bodies are not accustomed to running for over two hours and running a race like that. A marathon puts your body through the wringer and drains your body of essentially everything, it even compromises your immune system after that long of a race. During the race sometimes things can cause a runner to have psychological symptoms like confusion and disorientation, not even being able to remember their street address and things like that. After the race the runners will have muscle soreness for over a week. A marathon affects your body as well as your mind. They need to recover and repair themselves with good nutrition and a lot of rest and sleep.
This is what happens inside and within the bodies of a person with bipolar 1 disorder when the brain is cycling between two extreme mood poles of mania and depression. My bipolar cycles from being hypomanic to depression, with varying degrees and durations of both mood poles. Sometimes my hypomanic episodes can last a long time and my brain and mood continue to fly and soar higher and faster, until I crash into a severe depression.
When I am hypomanic, my brain moves very quickly sprinting to one thought, idea and activity to the next and I require less sleep and sometimes I cannot sleep.
My happiness increases, sometimes reaching euphoria. My creativity increases and I excel and accomplish many things beyond what an average person can do. I seem to achieve everything at my ultimate ability levels, being the best me I can be and my creative juices flow beyond most. I am the most likable me and I feel like I am a good person.
During my hypomania, life isn’t different but my brain is, so everything is better, and brighter and more beautiful and easier. Life and everything about it is living at its finest. Life and everyone and everything in it, me included, are exquisitely and fabulously beautiful and then… the sprint and marathon race inside my brain is over. My brain has become completely exhausted and has depleted itself of everything it had.
My brain was on fire, sprinted until it used up all its reserves and there was nothing left. It exceeded where it should have been, so my brain needed to rest and stopped working. My brain stops, causing me to feel like I have died, unable to function and perform my life. While my brain is resting from my hypomanic sprint and marathon, the rest of me feels dead.
Like the sprinter and marathon runner, my brain needs to rest. It stops as if is it is taking a nap. I must listen to my brain as I can do nothing else. My brain stops causing my mind and body to stop, unable to function any longer. I have to recover from my hypomanic mood pole race of living, so I crash and collapse at the finish line of my race of living and depression sets in.
Depression is like a rest after the race, except it doesn’t feel like a nice relaxing peaceful rest. When the brain crashes, the severe depression hits with a knock-out force and blow causing me to feel like I have died. My brain stops working causing my mind and body to feel sick and void of life. I feel like I have died and sometimes I have suicidal thoughts.
The visceral pain of despair and inner death of nothingness from depression has set in. I have nothing left. I may have won the hypomanic race or marathon and now I need to rest my brain and body and recover from my hypomanic sprint and marathon. The race is over and I am done and collapsed at the finish line of my life.
I am finally recovering from my severe depression I have been in after my high-flying hypomanic mood crash. Now that I feel a bit better, it seems to make more sense to me. My brain crashed after the race. My brain collapsed at the finish line. I broke through the red tape at the finish line of my hypomanic sprint and marathon.
I must do all I can to survive the feeling of my brain’s death and collapse from exhaustion of sprinting too fast and too long inside my brain. I need to rest and take better care of myself. I have to make sure I get enough seep and rest. Actually sleep is sometimes the best medicine for me.
I sometimes need medication, like a sleeping pill to help me sleep. Last night I ended up taking a couple extra Klonipin and two sleeping pills, so I could finally sleep. I do not like to take my sleeping pills and haven’t taken any for a very long time, because I do not like how they make me feel, but last night I was desperate and knew I HAD to sleep. Last night I finally slept and even today I took a nice nap. I believe this is why I am finally feeling better after my hypomanic sprint and marathon.
*Important note* Please do not do as I did last night. It is important to always take the correct dosage of your medication. Do not take extra medication, but take the correct dosage prescribed by your doctor. Thank you. I am not always the best example to follow. I was just being honest as always as I told my story and wrote my post.
Thank you for reading and God bless you all. Have a happy, safe and healthy day today, tomorrow and forever and always.
Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – All written content and personal artwork is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content.