To My Sister… I Love You and I am Sorry The Bipolar Beast Wounds Everyone it Touches and Sees

This is for my beautiful sister Melissa.

I know you have tried your hardest and you have done all that you could do.

I appreciate you more than you could ever know or comprehend. Everything you have done for me has never gone unnoticed. I appreciate greatly how much you have tried to help and support me. I understand that you feel lost and do not know what to do. I know your heart is broken because of me and for this I am truly very sorry.

I know it has been beyond a hard and difficult journey for you to see your sister (me) in so much pain and to have lost the sister you once knew.

I realize and know the immense pain I have caused you over the years because of the horrific bipolar beast that entered my brain and our lives. I am very sorry for your pain. This bipolar beast hurts, wounds, destroys and affects everyone it touches and sees, not only the person who has bipolar but everyone in its path. I know this more now and it breaks my heart deeper.

Thank you for explaining this to me. I am happy you talked to me about many things yesterday, so I can better understand. How can I know unless I have been told and spoken to honestly.

I wish people would stop being so afraid to speak the truth. because the absence of truth and words and honesty sometimes is sometimes much worse and the wounds more painful as silence is a deafening painful wound.

It does break my heart greatly to know now how much I have hurt you over the years. It was never my intention as I would never ever want to hurt my baby sister or anyone for that matter.

One thing I want you to always remember is that I will always love you more than any words that I can convey. I am very proud of who you are and everything you have done. You are my beautiful baby sister. I took care of you since you were born. You were like my own baby. I played the “Sound of Music Album” and acted it out with you repeatedly only because I loved you that much. I came home from college more than I should have, but I wanted to see my beautiful sister, because I loved you very much then and I love you now even more with each passing day. Please never forget it, even If I cannot speak it on some days and seasons of my life.

I love you huge forever and lways.

Please remember that everything I may do or have done is  not a reflection on you or have anything to do with you in any way. It is all me, all the bipolar me.

I am sorry I have not replied to many of your texts, but please remember this…

I cannot answer a text because I feel like I have died. Inside I am dead. How can I respond to a text if I am dead?

I am sorry for all of my unanswered phone calls, but please remember this…

I cannot answer the phone because I feel like I have died inside my mind and soul. How can I answer the phone if I am dead?

I am sorry I have not picked up my phone to call you, but please remember this…

I cannot dial my phone or speak to you as I have already died. I am incapable of speaking properly. How can I talk on the phone if I am already dead?

Plus, the me that I am and the me you loved is not here and has died…

but I will always love you forever and always and you are the best sister in the world.

You are an awesome beautiful mom and woman and never ever forget it.

I pray your life is always overflowing with abundant and beautiful loving blessings forever and always.

Love, hugs and many blessings.

Hahahahaha…. You are stuck with me.

I had to add one kind of funny one.

I love you forever and always.

Love your sister, Sue


Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – All written content and personal artwork is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content. 

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4 comments

  1. My sister was just diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and has pushed our family away and has even left her kids and husband. Ironically, my name is Melissa but I’m the older sister who feels like I cannot protect my baby sister.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am so sorry. Bipolar is a very difficult illness, especially right after your diagnosis. It takes a while to fully accept the illness and acceptance is the first step in recovery and then it takes a while to find the correct Pdoc and medications and treatment that will be most effective. I am sorry. It is very hard and painful illness for everyone it touches. I pushed people away too and I still do. May be it is the nature of the illness, I am not sure. She may be pushing people away because she is feeling so much pain and hurt and sadness and anger from the illness. She may feel like know one understands or cares even though you do. When she pushes you away don’t ever leave her and go away no matter what she does or says. She needs you and she will one day appreciate you being there for her. One thing that no one ever did for me was to educate themselves about the illness. It would have made me feel great if someone tired to learn about the illness for me. It would have told me they cared enough to try to learn and understand what was happening to me. My sister is the only one in my family that gives me some support. The rest of my family after 25 years does not ever acknowledge I have this illness even though I have had numerous suicide attempts etc. Thank you for sharing and I hope your sister will do well. Hugs and many blessings, Sue

      Like

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