I am Sorry for the Death of the Person I Used to Be
A video of my poem…
I wrote this poem when I was in the middle of a severe suicidal depression and this is how I felt.
I know I am more than my bipolar, but this is my life in the midst of a deep dark suicidal depression.
It is real. It is scary and is what I have to live with many times and days throughout my life. I know I am not alone in this and many people must live with this, as well.
I feel that if I am afraid to express my true feelings and thoughts of what bipolar is and how it makes me feel than I am also part of the stigma, the stigma that I am trying to reduce and eliminate. I do not want to be a part of the stigma. I am here to stop mental illness stigma, so I am telling the truth of what bipolar is and can do to your life….. at least what it has done to mine. I want to help by educating others and opening up the dialog of the devastation bipolar and depression and mental illness can cause and causes in many people’s lives.
Bipolar did drastically change my life. I must be honest about that. I lost everything and who I used to be. After many years of being in the psychiatric hospital, numerous suicide attempts, trying basically every bipolar medication more than once and having over 100 ECT treatments, I had to redefine who I was and make a new life for myself.
I will continue to fight this horrific illness and make the best possible life I can have. I will continue to fight and survive. I am a survivor. I am a numerous suicide attempt survivor and I am a bipolar survivor.
If there is breath, there is life. When there is life, there is hope and when there is hope, there is life. If there is life, there is breath… and the cycle continues on.
I am still breathing, so therefore I have hope, a hope for a better moment, a hope for a better tomorrow, a hope for a better life, a hope for love, a hope for loving life.
I hope to have more hope…
My hopes are prayers…
My brain has been trying to kill me for years, but God continues to love me and save me and heal me to the point that I can continue to live.
Praise God, because He is always with me even when I do not know it.
Thank you God, for repeatedly saving my life and giving me strength and hope…
By the way… I have a YouTube channel. I am trying to make it good, but I will be completely honest it isn’t very good yet. I am working in on it and trying to learn how to make some good videos. I do not know what I am doing yet, but I will learn and get better. I promise. I must. I do not think they could get worse. Well, I guess they could… hahahah…. I pray eventually I will learn how to make good videos and get better at them. It is just another attempt at trying a new technique to educate and increase awareness about mental illness, mental illness stigma and suicide.
I am a mental illness advocate and it is my passion to educate in anyway and every way I can.
Please check out my YouTube channel and see what you think. I hope you liked this video and my other videos. Here is the link to my Youtube channel…
Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – All written content and personal artwork is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content.