Living in My Grave Above the Ground (with Worship Videos Included)

My wounds are not superficial,

and I have become artificial.

Living a life that is not a real life,

pretending I am happy, when I am not,

pretending I am well, when I am not,

pretending to live, hoping I can survive when I cannot.

Living an artificial life, a nonexistent life.

I am not real or here,

only pretending to be alive,

so others can live.

How much longer can I live for others,

when I have no life left inside me?

I am not doing well as there is no treatment for me here.

La Crosse, Wisconsin does not help me or anyone,

and is a deathbed for those with mental illness.

My psychiatrist who saved my life for 25 years is no longer able to work,

and they now have no one that can help me or save me.

Their hospital, clinic and treatment facilities do not help anyone, but make you worse.

You cannot wait to be free from their services,

as you realize they are killing you,

worse than your own mind is.

I need someone to help me, but there is no one.

I have been living completely alone for far too long.

Isolating myself, deafening aloneness, and sadness increasing tenfold every minute.

No one to help me,

or support me,

no family that cares

or loves me

or gives a damn,

because I do not have real illness.

I do not have cancer or a brain tumor, so no one gives a damn that I am dying.

No family comes to help me in my home, or calls me or wants to be with me.

They leave me to die alone.

No one cares.

Bipolar disorder, PTSD and mental illness are is not superficial.

To the rest of the world mental illness appears to be artificial,

not real and invisible to you, so it must not exist.

But, I am here to tell you it is so painfully real, that I struggle to live.

No one gives a damn.

I have become artificial, not real. I have died again. Someone killed me.

My parents started my slow agonizing death years ago from the abuse they caused daily.

Physical, emotional, verbal, shaming abuse nearly everyday until young adulthood.

Wounding me beyond superficially, causing my PTSD.

Wounds that appeared superficial, but injured me much deeper,

broke and destroyed me from years of abuse and lack of love and support.

They are still unable to show they care, support or love me today,

and that continues to kills me…

Too hard to have no one. I am alone. I am dying and I am artificial.

My wounds are beyond superficial, cutting and destroying my spirit and soul.

Some of you have been blessed and know what happiness and love is.

You know what life is and can call this thing called life, living,

but I on the other hand cannot and do not know what living is.

I have died, only pretending to be alive so my children can live.

I have died and have been buried in my grave above the ground.

God I need you . I pray on my hands and knees.

“Need You Now” (Lyric Video) by Plumb

Lord I need You” (Lyric Video) by Chris Tomlin     

I am Sorry. I am having a really bad day and time lately. There are no more medications that I can take. I asked if my new Psychiatrist would give me an antidepressant to try again, but she wouldn’t and instead gave me another medication that I cannot take and it gave me adverse reactions again, like I told her would happen. I have been doing this for years and I told them I could not take a medication in that particular medication family or class and she said it was okay because it was a second class medication and it is new. Duh. Duh. Triple duh and ugh.

I had to stop that medication and had waited three months just get that last appointment. Now I will have to wait another three months to see her again and pray I can get some help.

That is how mental illness treatment is. This is why we are losing so many people to suicide. There is no help, even when you try to get it and want it.

Thank you for reading. I was hoping that typing and getting my feelings out would help. I am going to keep writing and pray I can write this illness out of my brain… or something. Ugh.

Please someone love me, support me, care and HELP.  I cannot keep fighting this much longer. It has been too long and it seems to never get better. Maybe one day or two and then crash again…

God I need you . I pray on my hands and knees.

I will write and listen to worship music and I will pray. I will try to keep fighting even though it is so hard, so hard, so much harder than anyone that has never had severe bipolar 1 disorder or PTSD or severe depression or severe suicidal depression can even begin to understand.

Oh, how I wish people would learn and would try to understand how painful, lonely, isolating, shaming and stigmatized mental illness is and treat people who have mental illness with kindness, compassion, respect and understanding and realize how serious it is … just like they do for most people who have CANCER or any other illness!

God I need you . I will continue to pray on my hands and knees… and I will sing and worship and praise you…

“You’re Gonna Be Ok” (Lyric Video) by Brian and Jenn Johnson

Copyright © By Susan Walz and – All written content and personal artwork is © and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content.  (With the exception of the music videos, of course.)