I have no Christmas joy this year?
I long to feel the joy and love Christmas usually brings.
My Christmas joy and love is wrapped tightly and painfully with bipolar and twine.
The ugly twine wrapping tighter around me with each breath I take,
making me unable to breathe,
unable to escape the pain of extreme loneliness.
Loneliness has become a severe,
unbearable symptom caused from my bipolar disorder.
Loneliness means I am truly unloved,
and there is nothing worse than feeling completely alone and unloved.
This Christmas is a reminder of how lonely and unloved and unliked I truly am.
My only hope is that God is calling me near.
I wonder if this will be my last Christmas. It could be.
I cannot endure much more of this severe pain and loneliness,
and lack of a life I try to live and survive.
This is the brightest loneliness I have ever felt.
I am all alone.
There is no love.
Christmas is supposed to be full of family and love.
I have no family that even knows I am alive.
I have no friends.
I have nothing.
I have God and I am trying to find God.
My loneliness is too loud and too much.
I have nothing else, but loneliness.
I can’t wrap up my loneliness with pretty Christmas wrapping paper.
Loneliness is me.
I cannot wrap myself up and place myself under the Christmas tree.
That would be very lonely and I am already there.
People can say words and pretend they care,
but words are meaningless without actions that show me they truly love me and care.
I only ask for one Christmas present this year.
I want someone to love me,
truly love me,
not just say words,
but come see me,
be with me,
and show me
with your presence
that you are my present.
“Where are You Christmas?” by Faith Hill (with lyrics)
Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – All written content and personal artwork is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content. (with the exception of the video, lyrics and song “Where Are You Christmas?” by Faith Hill)