I Will Take a Reservation For One Please

I’ll take a reservation for one, please.

How many? Just one.

It’s just me.

I am all alone.

Isolation is what I am,

what I know,

and what I do.

Isolating has become a habit.

I know it is not healthy to be alone,

but bad habits are hard to break.

If isolation can be an addiction, I have become addicted to being alone.

My behavior of isolation has been increasing throughout the years.

Isolation is safer for me.

No one can hurt me,

or get angry at me,

or say stupid things that will make me mad.

Stupidity makes me angry.

I am very sensitive to other people’s words and nonverbal communication.

I can read people’s nonverbal communication and body language very well.

People’s negative nonverbal communication towards me, screams at me and wounds me.

I can sense when people are upset with me and do not like me.

It makes me want to be alone.

No one can hurt me.

I am safe isolating.

The more I isolate, the more I want to isolate.

The more I am alone, the more difficult it becomes to want to be around other people.

Is it safer for me to be alone because then my PTSD can not be triggered as easily.

My PTSD triggers my bipolar symptoms and I fear that happening, as well.

Being around others scares me, makes me nervous, causes anxiety, a little pit in my stomach churns, flutters and cries out in fear.

It is safer to be alone.

No one can hurt me, except me, and I have control over myself.

I do not have control over what others do.

I have control over how I react to others,

but some days that is a very difficult task to do well.

I will take a reservation for one, please.

Image result for isolation

Here is the reality and the truth of isolation. Isolation is not healthy. My isolating behavior is getting worse and I need to stop it very soon. In fact, I know I need to stop it now. I need to take small steps and force myself to increase becoming more social.

Before my bipolar symptoms became very severe over 25 years ago, I used to be an extremely social person and loved being around other people. I did not want to be alone.  Now, obviously the very opposite has happened in my life, due to my bipolar disorder and the many experiences I have encountered throughout the many years I have been living and surviving with severe bipolar 1 disorder and PTSD. Isolation is becoming a severe symptom of my bipolar disorder.

Please read the following article. It is a good one and very educational. It helped me understand my situation more. I know many people isolate, so I hope you will find this article helpful.

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Related image

I definitely need to get better at this.

I need to find more support and love,

and if I do find some support,

or people who might want to be my friends,

I need to learn to accept it ,

welcome it,

and embrace it.


If you would like to read three poems I wrote today, please read my post titled “Isolation, Loneliness and Reservations – Three Poems.”

Thank you and may your days overflow with blessings, always and forever. Hugs, Sue

I hope you enjoy the following article…


Ending Bipolar Depression Isolation 

by Julie A. Fast

There’s a difference between learning to be alone, and feeling isolated and unlovable. Human contact can help with the isolation that bipolar depression can create.

I used to think that being alone was a strength. I grew up with the very 1980s idea that “we have to learn to be alone in order to really be with another person.” I now believe that for people with bipolar depression, the opposite is true—we need human contact to get us out of a down mood swing.

Depression makes me isolate. It makes me see the phone as an instrument of torture. I turn to social media instead of reaching out to live human beings. Depression tells me that being alone is all I deserve and that life is a lonely path I travel without support or love. Wow, I’m stable as I write this and it’s obvious to me that it makes no sense. But when I’m depressed? Totally believe it. Here’s a recent example in my life:

“I’m depressed. I need contact, but I can’t reach out. I’m lying in my bed watching another British mystery while there are three messages from friends on my phone. I have the thought, “No one cares about me, which is why no one is calling me. I’m destined to be alone, lying on a bed in a dark room instead of getting out in the world. This is my life and it’s horrible.”

What is wrong with this picture? So much! It’s not rational. At the exact moment that my brain is telling me I have no friends and will be alone forever, I have multiple messages from people who care about me and are waiting for me to respond. Surprise: depression isn’t rational.

This isn’t loneliness! It’s illness. This is what I call “depression isolation.”

My depressed brain isn’t a good reporter. It lies and tells me information that is in direct contrast to what is happening in the real world. The worst part is, when I’m depressed I listen to my ill brain instead of listening to the messages from my good friends.

When I’m stable, life moves forward with ease. I answer my phone. I make plans. I don’t cry and worry and ruminate over my past. Stability is my goal in life.

Here are two things I’ve taught myself to do when I realize I’m sitting alone in my room instead of interacting with life. It’s never easy, and on some days I’m lucky if I can do one, but I will always try until I’m better.

  1. I turn off social media and force myself to be with human beings. I regularly have to remind myself that social media is a tool that works when I’m well, but when I’m depressed it is a horrible isolator that makes me feel much worse.
  2. I focus on outcome instead of on my current feelings. I make myself do the opposite of what I feel like doing—even if it often feels worse than a root canal in the moment. But I do this in order to have a better future. I make rules like, “Julie, you will answer your phone no matter how you feel in the moment. You will say yes to invitations. You will reach out to others!” Being my own drill sergeant is what works when my brain is telling me incorrect information.

If you’re depressed right now, pat yourself on the back for reading this! You have already started the process of getting out of your depression by looking for help. If you love someone with bipolar who is isolating, create a plan on your own and then show it to them when they are well. Go over and see them—in person, face to face. Send them a hand-written card—through the mail, not online. Slip a note under their door. Do something real to show them you’re right here whenever they come out of the fog of isolation. And most importantly, whether for yourself or for someone you love, start now and put a plan in place to prevent the mood swing from getting so far the next time.

The ’80s were an interesting time in many ways, and I did learn to be a strong woman. But not every lesson I learned back then was right. There’s a difference between learning to be alone, and feeling isolated and unlovable. When I’m depressed, the answer to isolation is people. Who’s with me?

Copyright 2017 – BpHope. All Rights Reserved.


Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – All written content and personal artwork is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content. (With the exclusion of the article titled “Ending Bipolar Depression Isolation” By Julie Fast, Copyright 2017 – BpHope.)

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/reservation/

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10 comments

  1. Just realize, you are not alone. There are so many people out there just like you. It is a cruel world and I am starting to ignore people who try to hurt me because they are not worth it. For every person who dislikes me there is another person who loves me. I hope you find a support system. Keep writing and reaching out, you are helping people like me. Im around on here anytime you wanna talk. Dave

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sorry it took me so long to respond back to your comment. Thank you for reading my post and for your very kind and encouraging comments. I appreciate them greatly. You are very kind and your kindness helps me and I really appreciate your invite to talk anytime I need to. That was so kind of you. Thank you very much. I hope you have a very happy, healthy and fabulous weekend. Love and hugs, Sue

      Liked by 1 person

    • Sorry it took me so long to respond back to your comment. Thanks for reading and I really like and appreciate this comment. Thanks for commenting and saying that when you do interact with others sometimes it makes you feel worse. I can completely relate to that and that is what happens to me too. Because if a negative experience happens when you finally work really hard to get yourself out with other people, it makes it so difficult to go out again. It just feels so much safer to stay home sometimes. I have to go to my daughter’s show choir competition early tomorrow morning and I will have to be around a lot of other people and I am nervous about it right now. It is giving me anxiety right now. I tell myself that it is so stupid to be nervous about this, but I am nervous for tomorrow. Ugh. I have to be up at four a.m. but I cannot get to bed early either. Thanks for listening to me ramble on about this (I mean reading) and thank you for your comment. It helps me to know I am not alone in feeling the way I do. Thank you very much. Hugs, Sue

      Liked by 1 person

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