I am Okay

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I am very sorry I scared everyone. I am in the psychiatric hospital in Rochester, Minnesota right now. I only get half an hour a day on the computer, so I will try to write as much and as well as I can in that little bit of time.

I think it was about a week ago now, when I took about 130 pills or more of mostly Klonipin, and handfuls of Ambien and Depakote, which I thought was a lethal amount. Unfortunately, I truly did want to end my life at that time. I was ready to die.

I prayed to God. He told me it was okay and that it was my time. I had suffered enough on earth. That was what my mind was telling me at the time. I asked God to give me a sign, any sign to stay alive and I did not see any. I knew it was my time to die. I was ready for it, completely ready in my mind and heart to die.

I felt completely at peace, a peaceful beauty overcame me.

It was as if voices were telling me to die. It was what I had to do. It was the lie my brain was telling me inside my mind. My perception was wrong, but my perception was all I had. My perception became my reality. I did not know at that moment in my life that my perception was completely wrong and was a lie. I was very ill and my illness had basically taken over my thoughts and actions.

I am very sorry I scared everyone. The letter was honestly not a cry for help. It was real.

I thought I was going to die and it would be the last time I would be able to type my thoughts and words.

I planned on taking all my pills and I knew I didn’t have much time left to write my letters. I wanted to write a letter to my children and all my blogger friends. So, that is what I did.

After I took all of my pills I waited as long as I could, before I hit the post button.

I forgot that the blog automatically goes to Twitter and Facebook, and I forgot to block that from happening, as I was not thinking clearly, obviously.

I am very sorry about that.

I have not had time to read your comments yet as thirty minutes of computer time does not allow much time for anything, other than writing a short and not very well written post.

Thank you everyone for caring and for your help and prayers. I appreciate them greatly. I love you all.

Thank you again for caring so much. I love you all.

Many blessings, much love and huge hugs, always and forever.

Love, Sue

Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – All written content and personal artwork is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content. 





  1. Michele Elkins-Hoffman

    My heartfelt sympathies for all that you have gone through. My God, I bleed for you. I have been at that place where no man can find us-the place of utter acceptance that our life has been a tragedy, we mean nothing to anyone here and that we are too far gone. All of these myths need to be addressed by a solid friend, pastor or professional. God bless you~

    Liked by 1 person

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