Today, I have no premonitions.
I am unsure of my future,
but I am fighting to have one.
My mind is cloudy and overwhelmed
from the aftermath of my recent and severe suicide attempt.
After I arrived back home from the hospital yesterday, the sorrow, sadness and pain resurfaced, bringing back many of the same feelings I had on the day I took a lethal overdose.
Confusion and huge memory lapses became overwhelming.
I lost two weeks of my life and am unsure of the events of many days of my life.
Having little to no memory of time or recollection of what happened in the body you were living in, is a scary and indescribable and confusing feeling.
I lost days of my life and would like to know what occurred on those days of my life.
I want to know what happened and will need my family to help me put the pieces back together.
I know understanding what happened and what I did as I lived in a body that was mine, but I seemed to not be present in for many days of my life, will help me put the pieces of my life and myself back together.
I need to know. I want to know, so I can put the pieces of my broken heart and broken life back together, one piece at a time.
Carefully gluing my broken self back together one piece at time will strengthen and heal me.
Applying an adhesive of strong bonds of love and support between each broken piece of myself, will help put me back together, heal me, hold me strongly back in place in a life I can live again.
Prayerfully, I will never become unbroken again.
Love and support from my amazing children is already beginning to repair my brokenness.
Filling in the holes and gaps of what I did and how it happened will help strengthen me.
Knowing and loving how God saved my life again and understanding why he continues to save me is puzzling and maybe something I will never understand.
I know God loves me, saves me, and continues to heal me.
God is with me now and He never left my side, holding my hand and catching each one of my tears and my children’s tears during my serious suicide attempt.
What I am learning now is that it is going to take a lot of strength to repair what I have done, while I was away during my illness.
I mean away in the physical sense and the mental sense, as I was not mentally fully present for many days, maybe weeks before, during and after my suicide attempt.
The aftermath of my severe suicide attempt feels like a train wreck right now.
It feels like I was hit by a train and now I have to clean up the big mess and wreck and face what happened and what I did.
The worst part is that I unknowingly did not realize God would save my life again and I, for some reason, wanted to say good-by on social media. Putting my good byes on social media is in fact what saved my life, but is now making my train wreck seem bigger.
Because I said good-by and acknowledged my suicide attempt on social media, everyone knows and I feel embarrassed, ashamed and afraid to go back out in my community and face what I did.
Because there is stigma related to suicide, my fear of the stigma related to my suicide attempt is huge. I may be stigmatizing my own self in a way, because of my fear of the stigma.
I feel like, I have to come out of the closet, so to speak, and face the stigma related to suicide. I know the stigma is there, so my fear of the stigma is making the process more difficult for me.
Unlike other severe illnesses, after a suicide attempt, many people are afraid to say anything to you or they do not know what to say, so they say and do nothing. That hurts and makes recovery more difficult for the person who is a suicide attempt survivor, like myself.
Stigma rings loud after a suicide attempt, but maybe the ringing is louder because of my fear of other’s stigma that may or may not be present.
It is fear of the unknown that is scaring me the most right now. I know in time I will gather enough strength to survive this and recover once again. Hopefully, I will become even stronger than I have ever been before, gaining a new knowledge and insight into life in a way I have not yet discovered.
I know there is a reason for everything and that soon God will show me the reasons.
One day, my understanding of my suicide attempt will become much clearer,
maybe never crystal clear,
but with God’s everlasting love and grace, my glass will shine brightly.
I had all of these signs and more for many months, but I didn’t want help and thought I could keep fighting my suicidal ideations. I was very wrong.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, please get help right away and do not make the same mistakes I did. Thank you.
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