Did You Hear What I Heard?

Did you hear what I heard?

The shaming and abusive words fired out as word bullets throughout my childhood.

The loud rhythmic clapping sound of the belt slapping together as my Dad walked behind before he give me the punishments he thought I deserved.

Did you hear what I heard? 

My OB Doctor telling me that he did not think I had postpartum depression, because he could not help me. My symptoms were too severe. He referred me to a Psychiatrist.

My Psychiatrist telling me that I have bipolar 1 disorder with mixed episodes and rapid cycling, PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder.

Did you hear what I heard? 

Thoughts and words telling me that I must kill myself and die, because I am worthless and my life is over.

My Psychiatrist telling me he cannot believe I survived my overdose and didn’t damage my kidneys, bladder o any organs.

Did you hear what I heard? 

You cannot teach anymore and must go on Social Security Disability.

Your symptoms are too severe and we cannot find any medications to help you.

You need to start getting ECTs (electroconvulsive therapy treatments) as that is your last hope to get better.

Did you hear what I heard? 

You are chaptered and you will have to go to court.

Thoughts telling me that they would now control my life and my freedom was gone and stolen from me.

You have to stay in a halfway house (three different times) until the courts think you are behaving, following their directions and are safe from harming yourself.

You are very close to going to the State Hospital if you do not stop overdosing and hurting yourself.

Did you hear what I heard? 

You will never be “normal” or the same again, but we can get you to live a functional type of life.

Constant words of negativity repeated in my head. I am a loser. I must cut myself. I must hurt myself. I must kill myself. I must take all my pills.

Did you hear what I heard? 

We have a warrant for your arrest. Because you missed a payment on your child custody assessment fee. (What? A missed payment?)

Even though we do not agree with these charges, our hands are tied because the judge who made this order is on vacation.

I am very sorry you had to stay in jail for four days, we tried to get you out earlier but we couldn’t.

Did you hear what I heard?

If you miss another OB appointment we will take away your baby.

You are fired. School districts do not want teachers teaching their children that have bipolar disorder.

I cannot be your friend or talk with you anymore as your bipolar disorder is bringing me down too much. I am sorry. Please do not call me.

My thoughts telling me, “I will stay to myself and no one will ever hurt me again.”

Did you hear what I heard?

Positive thoughts and words beginning to form in my mind.

I want to live. I want to be well. I can do this.

I am a strong person. I am a good person.

I do not want to go to the hospital anymore.

I cannot hurt myself anymore.

I have to stay alive for my children.

Did you hear what I heard?

I will learn to cope with my difficult and painful symptoms.

I will forgive others.

I will forgive my past.

I will forgive myself.

I will learn to love myself again.

Did you hear what I heard?

God lives. God loves me. He has never left my side.

God will never leave me.

God has the power to help me recover.

God has the power to heal me to the extent He wants me to be healed.

Did you hear what I heard?

The splashing of water surrounding my head as I came up from under the water, after being completely submerged under water while I was being baptized and fully accepted Christ into my life.

My heart and God telling me to be baptized to symbolize that my past and the old me has died. I surrender myself to you Christ. Take all of me.

Did you hear what I heard?

God’s words as he told me my past is over. The old me is dead. Forget your past for it has died. The new you is alive and well. I have this very minute, moment and today to serve the Lord forever and always.

God’s words as he spoke to me telling me I must share my story.

“Once you hear something, you can never return to the time before you heard it.” ~Jonathon Safron Foer

Do you hear what I hear?

2 Corinthians 5:17  When someone becomes a Christian he becomes a brand new person inside. He is not the same anymore. A new life has begun.

Matthew 6:34  So don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time.

Psalm 25:5  Lead me; teach me; for you are the God who gives me salvation. I have no hope except in you.

2 Corinthians 12:9  Our higher power tells us, “My grace is enough for you: for where there is weakness, my power is shown the more completely.”

Romans 11:36  Everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by His power.

Matthew 19:26  Jesus.. said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Romans 10:9  Express my desire to Christ to be the director of my life.

Copyright © 2018 by Susan Walz | myloudbipolarwhispers.com | All Rights Reserved.

 

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