I Turned Inside Out and Back Again

Hello everyone. I am back. I revised and rewrote a post yesterday from about a year ago. Before that it had been two weeks since my last post. I have never been away from writing on my blog that long since I began my blog almost two years ago.

Since my last post two weeks ago, I have been extremely busy. To be honest, it was a very daunting and difficult time in my life. My inner strength and will power was greatly tested over the last two weeks. Because I procrastinated too long and because July was a very busy month to begin with, I ended up having too much to do in a short amount of time. I did too much and overdid it.

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If you read my last few posts,  you are probably aware I was moving. I moved too many times in my life but none of them were as awful as this one. I am not sure why this one was so bad but it was. I was trying to downsize my junk by organizing as I packed, getting rid of junk, throwing away things I didn’t need anymore, have two garage sales and begin my new job at the same time.

I work as a resident care associate in a senior living home. I am on my feet for eight-hour shifts and I worked the weekend before the day I moved. I was not done packing yet, so I was awake and standing on my feet from about 5:00 a.m. until about 11:00 p.m. and went to bed at about 2:00 a.m. and was up again at 5:00 a.m. I did this about four days in a row.

That is too much for anyone, but especially me as I am 55 years old, overweight and out of shape and I have bipolar disorder and PTSD. My mental health has been good lately but that is because I have been taking care of myself and making sure I get enough rest and keep my mind as positive as possible. I must work at maintaining my optimal mental health. This was not the case recently and I became regretfully undone, again.

I became undone because I was beyond physically exhausted and my brain was stressed to its limits. Not a good combo for me. I did too much for too long. I ignored the signs thinking I just needed to keep going a little more. I told myself I could do this. I had to be strong and keep going or it would not get done. I had to move. I had to do this and had no choice. Moving day was Monday. It was coming whether I liked it or not. I had to do this somehow or the highway.

I guess my brain took the highway. On moving day I woke up at 5:00 a.m. after about 3 hours of sleep. I began organizing and packing for a little while before my children and a couple of their friends arrived. I knew how much crap I had to move. I began panicking because it was all too much. I couldn’t see how this move could happen in the short amount of time my children were able to help me. I knew I didn’t have enough movers. It was too much. I wanted my children to come earlier than 9:00 a.m. but they couldn’t. I panicked more. I got upset and said things I wish I didn’t and my daughter got upset with me. I hate it when people are upset with me. I was angry at myself and then… I became undone, stopped in my tracks. I was done. I left. I was gone. I was detached from myself.

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I have done this before. I have been here before, but not now, not today. I know I am physically exhausted and my feet and body hurt, but I can do this. Don’t fail me brain. Don’t do this to me today. It was too late. My brain shut down. I shut down and left. I was not moving that day. I couldn’t. I was not there.

I was present for the move but not entirely there. I could barely move or think. I was not myself at all and barely said a word to anyone. I couldn’t. I couldn’t will myself to come back and be me. I couldn’t will myself to be the me my children thought I would be on moving day.  Instead, I was a dissociated me. I was gone.

I felt dead and detached and removed from myself. I am horrified, humiliated and ashamed of myself. I have an entire house to move and people around me and I cannot be me. I cannot come from behind myself or out of myself. I cannot escape the gray cloud and heavy sheet I am hiding behind.

I know they don’t understand because how could they? When I was in the middle of this I wasn’t sure what was happening to me. I just knew I had become this person I did not like or want to be, but I could not leave myself. I was stuck somewhere deep within myself.

I was supposed to help people and tell people what to do and where things went. I was going to be the good mom that had doughnuts and treats for all the wonderful people who were helping me move. Instead she was gone and vanished into thin air. This is my mental illness life coming back to haunt me. It cannot leave me alone for good.

Today I know I was dissociating on moving day and I could not escape from it. Something triggered this learned response and there was no removing it until my brain allowed it to happen. I was stuck in the large thick gray sheet of dissociation until my brain recovered from the trauma it thought it was in. My brain is protecting itself from something.

The safety mechanism that saved me many times throughout my childhood and life comes back to visit as an adult at sometimes the most inopportune moments and times. I guess my brain was protecting itself from myself, harm and unforeseen danger. My brain shut down because it could not handle what was happening around it and to myself. I left. I depersonalized and what I like to call “became undone.” I turned upside down. I turned inside out. (That is the title of my almost completed memoir by the way, “Turned Inside Out”).

I was gone in awful ways the entire moving day. I was very sick again. I was gone, not myself at all and unable to function. It was awful. I remember feeling that same way too many times throughout my life and now when I look back on it I am not sure how I survived it all. The good news I did and so can you.

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Because I felt so undone, lost, sick and outside of myself, I wanted to be alone. I didn’t know what else to do with myself at the time. I was going to try to sleep alone in my empty old house. Suicidal thoughts came back to haunt me, not as intense as in the past but still they were there. I am not sure if this is a learned behavior from so many years of living with it or if it is a response my brain will go to in times of extreme crisis and stress. I must work on that and find a way to decrease that for sure.

I was going to sleep at my empty old house until I got spooked. Then I got lost trying to find my new house. I sat lost in my dark car and cried calling each one of my children asking them for help until I finally found my way back to my new home.

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Only because of my amazing children, I moved out of one house with my belongings in a storage unit and at my daughter Kylie’s house. The day after moving day, Tuesday, I was a little better and was able to force myself to wake up and go back to the old house and clean and finish the moving out process. This took over eight hours and I did this all by myself. I was proud that I accomplished this on that day. Maybe my body and mind shut down on Monday so I had enough left in me to clean up the old house on Tuesday. I was the only one that could do that on that day. God does have a way of making sure He gives us, sometimes, just enough to make it. I made it this far.

Jump ahead a week later and I am doing well. Not perfect but very well in many ways. My youngest daughter Alexia and I have now moved in with my oldest daughter Kylie and son-in love Dennis. They bought a new house a few months ago and they are helping me out more than they can comprehend. I think they are saving my life essentially. Again, God provides gifts and blessings in His perfect timing.

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My daughter Alexia will live with us here until August 27th when I will move her to the University of Minnesota into her dorm as a freshman. I am so very happy for her. After I get Alexia settled into her dorm, I will feel like I made it and I can work on taking care of myself again. I am going to work on improving myself and my life so I can reach my next fullest potential. I am on my way. Here I go.

Thank you for stopping by and reading. I love you all. Have a very happy, healthy and blessed day today and everyday. Much love and hugs, Sue


Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | myloudbipolarwhispers.com | All Rights Reserved

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