My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me

***Possible Trigger Warning***

This post contains content about suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts.


Here is a post I wrote about a year ago. This was just one of the many days I fought suicidal ideations. Please understand that this day I was successful and fought off my strong thoughts and urges of death, but that is not always possible and does not always happen. Some days and some people cannot and do not fight off their suicidal thoughts and they lose their battle of survival and life. If you have suicidal thoughts, please get help. Don’t put it off. Don’t do as I did. Please get help right away.

I wrote this last year during my most difficult and painful year where I battled and fought suicidal ideations and thoughts nearly every day until the day I lost. I wrote many of these type of posts and I feel they are very important to post as this is still part of my life, but will never prayerfully be to this extent.

I learned and gained too much to ever let myself get to this point again without getting the help I need. This was too close and it was a very scary moment to look back on. I never want any of you to go through what I went through. This is why I share what I do.

Since I developed severe postpartum depression and was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder over twenty-six years ago, my mind finally feels better than it ever has. It is not perfect and I still struggle, but I am better than I ever thought possible at this point of my life. Now, at my age my body is falling apart but that is another story for another day. Nah. That would be a boring story and I always said that there is no worse pain than mental illness pain. I will take this and I can keep fighting.

My purpose for this post is to help you understand that you should never do as I did. I could have lost my life because of my refusal to get help when I needed it. Sometimes you become too sick to even realize how sick you really are. Your mind tells you lies that become the only reality you know. I thought I was strong enough to keep fighting my suicidal thoughts no matter how strong or frequent they were. On February 17, 2018, I was almost “dead” wrong.

On that fateful morning, my thoughts and lies overpowered me until I had no fight left in myself. My fight was gone and something took over my mind. It was as if my mind was not my own.

If you have suicidal ideations please get help. Please understand that one day you may not be able to fight your suicidal thoughts. Your mind will tell you such awful lies that you will not even try to fight anymore. My mind told me there was only one solution for my life and it was time to die. I was in an elated mania at the time of my suicide attempt and felt very happy and peaceful at the time I took my intentional “could have been” lethal overdose. I was happy because I was going to meet Jesus.

It was not time for me to meet Jesus yet. God put the right people in the exact places they needed to be to save my life. I am very happy and blessed to be alive. Now, I will let God determine when it is my time to meet Jesus. Until then I will make my life matter, make my children proud of me and I will serve the Lord.

Another reason for sharing this post is to give you hope and inspiration that your life will get better. Keep fighting. You will overcome. One day your life will have purpose. Living a mental illness life will get easier and better. I promise and I am living proof of that.

rock bottom

I hope you like the following post and I pray it helps and inspires you in some or many ways…


My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me

My brain was trying to kill me, but God said no and nudged me away from my thoughts of death. He pushed my handful of pills away from my mouth. I obeyed him as he guided me through every step of this process.

It was as if I was moving in slow motion. It was like I was not me but was watching someone else put my pills back in the bottles a few at a time until slowly they were all put back where they belonged. I put the lids on the bottles and put them back on the shelves in my bedroom where they belonged. I watched myself do this but did not feel connected to myself or my actions. I have seen this rerun before many times. Each time it is the same but different and is becoming increasingly more intense and painful.

I sat back on my bed that was no longer my deathbed, but had now turned back into my bed of life. My brain was trying to kill me, but God said no. God saved my life again.

God continues to tell me over and over again, “I will tell you when it is your time to die. I will tell you when it is time for you to leave earth. It is my decision to  make. It is not yours.”

God renewed my spirit and I began to breathe in beautiful fresh breaths of life, so I could begin living and loving my life once again.

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I have scaled the deep precipice of bipolar disorder with my Lord and Savior always by my side pulling me back up from death and despair to safety at the top of my beautiful summit of life where I am now happy and blessed to be alive.

“Look to the past to learn… and look to the future to succeed.”  ~ anonymous

Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | myloudbipolarwhispers.com | All Rights Reserved  

 

 

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